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  The Holidays and the Fixed Mindset

 

Hello my friends,

The holidays are fast approaching, and for many people, this season brings what my grandmother used to call “the blues.” It’s a time filled with both joy and memories, but it can also stir up grief, loneliness, and old patterns. Today, I want to talk about how a fixed mindset can trap us—keeping us stuck in the past and preventing us from stepping into growth.

I’ll be honest: my own journey from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset didn’t happen overnight. It took years of reading, reflecting, and slowly learning to open my heart again. Books, podcasts (or what they used to call “internet radio stations”), even PBS shows—all of these played a role in shaping my thinking. But it was a combination of painful experiences, small sparks of joy, and a few powerful lessons that finally helped me shift.

Early Influences

Growing up, I was surrounded by a fixed mindset. My mother lived in one deeply, and as a child in her care, I absorbed many of those traits. Learning new things felt intimidating, and failure wasn’t seen as an opportunity—it was seen as the end of the road. That foundation shaped how I responded to hardships later in life.

Halloween Morning, 1988

One of the most pivotal moments came on Halloween morning in 1988. The night before, I had been making plans to go on a hayride and attend a party with friends—two of my favorite things during one of my favorite holiday. But at 6:30am, my mother called. She told me my grandmother had passed away and, as she often did, she blamed me.

The numbness was overwhelming. I dropped the phone, fell to the floor, and sobbed until I couldn’t breathe. Later, I called my friends and told them I wouldn’t be coming. That day changed everything.

Holidays Without Grandma

The holidays that followed felt unbearably heavy. My grandmother had been my guide in the kitchen at Thanksgiving, my partner in wrapping gifts, my coffee-and-cookie companion during quiet talks about my childhood. Without her, everything felt empty.

I withdrew. I stopped celebrating holidays altogether—for nearly 10 years. When I tried to break out of it, my fixed mindset sabotaged me. I once hosted a Thanksgiving dinner for friends who couldn’t be with their families. But I forgot to add salt to the pie crust, and when my friends teased me lightheartedly, I took it as failure. I told myself, “I’m no good at this,” and never tried again. That’s how a fixed mindset works—it convinces you that one mistake defines your worth.

A Spark of Change

Things began to shift when I met my husband. Our first Christmas together was magical. On his day off, while I was at work, he went out, bought a tree, and decorated our tiny apartment as a surprise.

I don’t remember exactly how I reacted outwardly, but inside, I was a thrilled little girl again—standing in my grandmother’s living room, seeing the tree sparkle for the first time. A spark lit inside my heart. But the truth is, that spark wasn’t enough to fully change me yet. The fixed mindset still had its grip.

The Turning Point

The real breakthrough came years later when I read Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculée Ilibagiza. Her story was filled with unimaginable trauma, yet she found forgiveness and joy on the other side.

Her words shook me. If she could move beyond her pain, why couldn’t I? I realized I had been holding onto resentment toward my mother, my stepfather, and even the legal system that had failed me as a child. For the first time, I began to see that forgiveness was possible.

I dove into research at the library, searching for answers to why I felt “different.” Slowly, I was gathering the tools I needed to let go of the mindset that held me back.

The Phrase That Stuck

One day, my husband shared a simple phrase his best friend had told him: “You can choose to be happy.”

It hit me like lightning. I realized I had been choosing misery during the very season my grandmother and I had once cherished together. If she could see me now, would she want me to hide from the joy we once shared? Or would she want me to live fully, embracing the moments we both loved?

That was my ah-ha moment—the beginning of my shift from fixed to growth.

A Reflection for You

I share this story because I want you to know that moving from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset is a journey—but it doesn’t have to take as long as it did for me.

I had to learn everything on my own, and that took years. But with the right tools, guidance, and willingness to open your heart, you can start shifting much more quickly than I did.

In my next blog post (Part 2), I’ll be sharing practical tools to help you equip yourself for this transformation. These tools will guide you step-by-step as you work toward releasing a fixed mindset and embracing growth—especially during the holidays.

If the holidays feel heavy for you this year, I encourage you to notice where a fixed mindset might be keeping you stuck. Ask yourself: Am I choosing to stay in pain, or am I willing to take one small step toward joy?

Even the smallest spark—a kind word, a cherished memory, a book, or a phrase—can begin to shift your mindset.

You don’t have to change overnight. You just have to begin.